“I was losing it all—time, energy, hope, a bond —and most importantly him.”
All stories don’t make interesting tales. Memories can be beautiful and heighten your sense of existence; in my case, they have been the saviours. Imagination, dreams and memories do help me become happy.
He phoned me at noon. I was not surprised but feel wired. The call was different for reason. I just wanted to hear if everything was all right. Are you busy doing work? He questioned as usual.
Speechless, no word left. Don’t even I can think a single word to speak. Everything might be very easy and simple but it is not for me.
Why do this to only me? Why so cruel? Why does it happen? Do I not deserve? I have never asked for anything more than… Am I the only one who doesn’t really enough for it?
I don’t know exactly what is running through your mind. Like a changing weather. Sometimes like a shining sun but just go away, leaving cloudy darkness all around, silence fall as autumn and sometime freezing with black hole of cold. I have lots of questions to ask. Why this? Why that? I know I will end up with no answer.
Why can’t I accept the fact that happened me? Why does it hurt me more than anything else? Why do I hurt myself more, even though I was known to this truth?
With this monologue, tears rolled gradually from my eyes all the way, finally landed into the pillow where they dissolved. There is no charm in my behavior. I speak nothing but my mind and heart speaks more. There is no doubt I will be never ever back. But, is this the things that I known for but never wanted to happen? Does it all hurt and does everyone have to go through the same situation as me? Why does it seem I have to suffer more? I am still troubled about whether such depths of trouble are felt by all. I am searching out loud for coming out of this truth. It isn’t necessary to tell him the truth of my feelings, he really knows well and he too suffering from this, but I want to roar about it. The battle is between mine heart and already known truth.
He is and Indian and I am Nepali girl. When we met for together we well known for this truth. His family wanted to him marry but with another girl. I am totally sick inside. My emotions are killing so hardly. Everything was running backward. My steps to him turn back. The met turn back. “I was losing it all—time, energy, hope, a bond —and most importantly him.” He was trying to fix it all. But its automatically turning back.
Why was it so difficult? Why was it so difficult to let go? Why was it so hard to look in the eyes and say it was okay? My mind is continuously repeating this should be different, could be different.
The main problem is that I can’t. This truth engraved in mind and dreams. It’s not leaving; he is not leaving me easily. He is following me everywhere, the truth between following me and haunts me in dreams.
I sit here, holding back painful memories of us. I tried every possible way to pull me from the melancholy, but nothing works.